Not that an excuse exempts me from discipline in sinning, but as I grew up I internalized every criticism I heard. When all my friendships were lost due to moving in high school, my heart became hard and I allowed no one in. When divorce struck our household, I felt rejection and I refused to feel emotions again. I numbed out. I lost the ability to have a true relationship with people. I did not even see the efforts others put in to try and be my friend or love and care for me. I felt unworthy! The rejection in life led me to believe the 'real me' was not good enough and I created all kinds of masks. I wore a mask to high school, sports activities, college, dates and even in my own house. No where could I 'let my hair' down.
"To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood," (Revelation 1:5)
"Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10)
"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." (Romans 3:23-24)
Then one day I understood. I did not discover some big secret. I did not have a crowd of friends surrounding me. I did not have the approval of every person I knew. BUT, I had Him. Jesus died on the cross to wash away every sin. He shed His blood so I may enjoy this life. The chains broke one by one as I began to finally get it.
The more faith grew in my heart, the softer it became. No approval need come from people, only Him. If my feet step in His direction and I place my worth in Him, then I may rest assured that I am obeying Him. The more I serve Him, the less I try to please others. There will be rejection, disapproval and anger in this life, but He accepts me and forgives my every sin. He knew exactly what He was getting when breathing life into my body. Amazingly enough, He still went through with His decision to bring me here to Earth. For this I am so thankful.
Now, I am not in the clear of these struggles. I am learning how to be in relationships. I know the Truth, but Satan stands right there waiting to get his foot in when weakness strikes. I find myself waiting for a relationship to crash because of rejection. As a confrontation arises, I think, "Okay, this is the one that will cause that person to leave me. I have revealed too much of myself and they despise the 'real me'." I still have moments where I feel so unworthy of touch or conversation. I feel damaged beyond repair. LIES LIES LIES! Satan loves to lie to me. Now, I know the answer and I know where to run for help. Not Anorexia, drugs, alcohol, approval, isolation or exercise. NOPE, none of these will do, only the Truth. The Truth will set me free!
Yes, my past is ugly. Yes, I have sinned and continue to slip at times. No, I am not perfect. No, I don't have it all together. But, guess what? None of us do! We all fall short of the glory of God. BUT, He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will hold you in His hands. Accept this and kill the lies from Satan.
God, thank you for another day. Keep my mouth speaking Your Truth, my heart softened and my eyes open to You. Thank You for bringing me out of darkness and breaking my chains of bondage. I keep my shield of faith up to deflect the lies of Satan and my sword ready with Your Truth should a lie slip past my shield. I love You.
Keep praying harder than the devil can work.
Sheree Craig
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