I wish I could say junior year went out like a lamb; but,
quite the opposite. With ruined
self-esteem, I believed any remark heard from surrounding individuals. The loudest voice came from my eating
disorder. Imperfection occurred daily;
therefore, I worked harder to be perfect at this so called eating
disorder. I became my eating
disorder. I no longer carried the name
Sheree, for that girl was buried deep unable to surface.
I became really good at covering up the eating disorder and
pleasing it daily. Should a particular
emotion be too much, I would simply turn to the world, reaching for any numbing
tool to pass the moment. It took a while
to find a boyfriend after breaking off the other relationship in Indiana. But, this one sly guy caught my eye and his
rebellious nature intrigued me. I wanted
to be with him and have someone come alongside to experience this world. Finally, he agreed to date. This began a road full of dangerous curves
and crater size potholes. Yet, I did not
care because I had someone who paid attention to me and showed care.
I hung on tightly and did whatever he wanted to make him
happy. This ‘walk all over me’ attitude
opened up an abusive side to this guy.
He turned obsessive and verbally abusive. My thoughts rationalized the situation and
believed it to be deserved. I fell into
very unhealthy patterns due to this situation being too much for my eating
disorder to bury. Other means of numbing
had to take place.
Meanwhile, at home, life continued to be messy. One morning I came home (after staying out
all night) and dad was leaving.
Something happened. What? I do not know. All I knew is that I did not come home and my
life was in shambles. I was too much to
handle; therefore, my lovely eating disorder convinced me that his leaving was
my fault. Anger, confusion, sadness,
frustration and rejection consumed my body.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. . .this is TOO much and I will not stand for all this
emotion.
Where did I turn? An
abusive relationship, my eating disorder and unhealthy tools found in the world
to numb out. Whatever the situation
required to NOT think about such things, I did it. Somehow, I made it through my senior
year. I did not play basketball or associate
with very many people. I had a best
friend (ED) and this guy; therefore, nothing else mattered, right? I just kept smiling, acting as though my dad
had not left and all is well at my house.
I convinced myself I was ‘normal’ and life was just peachy.
I never took the time to process any emotion. I kept my mind busy with chores, exercise,
counting calories and making others happy.
Little did I realize the two people I loved so dearly were hurting
tremendously. Instead of us coming
together to get through a divided family, we all went to our corners alone to
hurt. Sure, we communicated with one
another; but only to smile over the pain.
It came to a point in the story where life placed too much
weight on my shoulders. My frail frame
was not enough for others to realize the turmoil taking place inside. I must show them how bad I hurt; talking
things out to process emotion was out of the question. One day, after school, I chose to make a move
I will NEVER forget. I was going to show
them how messed up I really felt. . .
My boyfriend and mother found me lying in bed and not fully
responsive. I am not sure what outcome I
really desired from all this, but nothing changed after that night. This episode was swept under the rug with
only a handful of people knowing it occurred.
There was just too much hurt going on and no one knew how to handle any
of it. We were lost.
Looking back, I know that my parents did the best they knew
how at the moment. They had never faced
such a storm either and I am sure were scared to talk about the pink
elephant. They love me and had no idea
how to help. Watching someone hurt so
badly can leave you feeling helpless.
Diverting attention, taking them out to get their mind off the situation
or ignoring the damaging effects is what we do.
I am not sure if I have the answer on how to approach a hurting
individual without damaging a relationship but. . .
This I do know: a hug can heal a wound, a compliment can change
a negative thought, a fulfilled promise can plant a seed and a loving hand can
help any situation. We were hurting
people in need of a Savior. He was there;
we just would not let Him in.
Keep praying harder than the devil can work.
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