I can recall the day my eating disorder tiptoed into my
life. A crushed, lowly spirit met a
powerful, strong force which planted me in the middle of a tornado. Beginning with the moment my eyes scanned the
list only to see every other girl’s name dedicated to a position on the
basketball team. No matter how long I
stared, Sheree did not appear. Numb to
the idea that I would not be a part of a team I placed all my worth in, I gathered
my things and plopped in the seat of my sister’s car. She worked diligently to console and divert attention
from the matter at hand. To numb from
feeling worthless, rejected and a complete failure, I buried that one
deep. My eating disorder held tightly to
that emotion.
Moving right along to softball season; I made the team. But, more insult came when I sat the bench
98% of the time. To avoid feeling
worthless, rejected and a complete failure, I buried that one deep. I smiled instead of cried. My eating disorder held tightly to that
emotion.
Searching for worth, meaning, acceptance and success; I
turned to people. Well, I did not have
the looks, clothing, body frame or conversations to fit in or be cool. I was not the one who could turn heads when
walking past a group of guys (such an accomplishment when a young teen). I was the tomboy hanging with the guys who
talked freely about those pretty, stylish females roaming the halls. Outwardly I just smiled, inwardly I felt worthless,
rejected and a complete failure yet again.
My eating disorder held tightly to that emotion.
Moving forward; a move occurred for my parents and me. The destination landed us four hours from
home just when I had a great relationship going with a guy. Refusing to be happy in the new place; mom
and I moved back to finish sophomore year.
The relationship remained with the guy, yet I still felt
incomplete. I felt extremely guilty for
distancing my parents (my dad had to stay for work). Life consisted of lots of traveling for both
parents and outwardly we all just smiled.
Inwardly we were all falling apart.
I took blame for all the turmoil because I could not take life as it
played out. Hurt, struggles, sadness and
failure to receive approval was just too much for this teen. No one understood the amount of pain sitting
in the pit of my spirit. Worthless,
rejected and a complete failure; I heard a small voice describe a way to gain some
control in this funnel cloud surrounding my life.
Yep; my eating disorder held all the ammunition to kill any
part of spirit left. And that it
did. I learned control through
deprivation of food. I learned comfort
through repetition of daily activities.
I learned I was good at something.
Worth appeared as guys turned heads slightly in the beginning as my
boyish figure became feminine. The guy I
dated helped me shop for fitted, stylish clothes. Acceptance appeared each time I pleased my
eating disorder through deprivation, exercise and numbing out to all
difficulties in life. Success appeared
as I pitched a pair of pants to buy a smaller size or when entering a room I
was the smallest of all females. My eating
disorder held on tightly and became a best friend.
So, in a nutshell, this is how it began. We each have struggles, sufferings, sorrows
and storms stirring in our lives. Without
turning on radar and walking around with crossed arms, we will never reach the
hurting. Hurting people typically do not
search for help. It is better to numb
than to feel. Numbing destroys our
bodies. Our bodies were created to feel
emotion, work through it and learn from every moment. We were created to help one another; not
judge, criticize or turn our heads from dark situations.
Let us join together in opening a hand to the hurting,
taking time to listen and keep the radar on for seriousness of situations. Catching an individual early on in hurt will
keep the enemy’s grip loose. The enemy
will work diligently to destroy spirits and in my case it occurred through an
eating disorder. Let’s stop him in his
tracks.
Keep praying harder than the devil can work.
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