ED Had to go NOW

I kept the myriad of recovered (which you will learn in a later post recovery last a lifetime but holds various levels) continuing each day.  I even convinced myself recovery had been reached.  All the while ED held on tightly, controlling thoughts, actions and emotions.  Numbers remained within normal limits with doctors applauding such a ‘healthy’ body.  Others struggling with weight, yo-yo diets, cravings and such made many comments that I wouldn't know how they feel because I was so thin – but ‘healthy’.  Those knowing the journey loved the new ‘healthy’ look.  Something was missing from this whole recovery thing.

Numbers lie, images cover up, mirrors provide false advertisement and blinders help us avoid yucky hardships.  Since I needed to remain at a certain number, eat a specific plan and maintain to remain in society I still obsessed about every bite taken.  Foods remained on a ‘to avoid’ list.  Calories needed earned through exercise.  That little tag sewn neatly on clothes determined success.  A three digit number on a stupid scale measured worth.  And then there was the mirror. . .why oh why was this invented?  It held power over emotions and controlled the day.  I looked in it often in hopes the person staring back would increase in beauty or skill.  Never worked.  Something was missing from this whole recovery thing.

Good news came in form of a letter one day!  My long lost love appeared to be single.  Funny story behind all that, which could write a whole book; but, I sent a letter the same time to reach out to him.  We met up and fell in love all over.  Cool part, a handsome little man came along as well.  I got a 2-for-1 deal out of it and instantly became mom.  And all moms know failure occurs daily.  I wanted this little man to love me as much as I loved him and it just started rough.  It took time for him to get comfortable with me.  So, all the while I clung to ED for comfort and peace in the hard times.  It never quite helped.  Something was missing from this whole recovery thing.

Marriage came and our family decided it was time to grow.  Failure appeared for twelve months straight.  It was my entire fault and the stupid ED that overtook my health.  We began fertility treatments which wreak havoc on one’s body and emotions.  Monthly, I drove about an hour to hear disappointing news.  With each visit, I turned the failure inward feeding ED.  After about one year, we had one last try at this for fertility treatments quickly drain the bank!  One month later a $4.00 stick changed our lives.  It said PREGNANT!  And, sure enough, the next visit showed a little peanut beating fast on the screen.  Pregnancy overrode any negative emotions and granted the freedom to eat.  I did well, but still exercised because I did not want to put on too much ‘baby weight’ (stupid ED). 

After the birth of our daughter, I tailspinned.  ED came back with a vengeance and reminded me that the weight gained during pregnancy MUST COME OFF.  In reality, I would have remained a ‘healthy’ number had the weight remained.  So, I did everything to get it off.  I tried breastfeeding which only lasted about five months before I ran out.  Failure as a mom – I could not even feed my own child.  Chaos occurred daily now with two kids to manage.  Failure as a person – I could not control my schedule and succeed in daily activities.  My husband worked diligently to provide financially while I stayed home due to our daughter needing extra care in the beginning.  My only job was to keep the house functioning, kids healthy and husband happy.  The more I felt like a failure, the more I turned to ED to find control, success and worth.  That something that was missing from this whole recovery thing became more evident as I found myself smack dab in a pit AGAIN!

One day, while holding my daughter, I hit rock bottom.  Her precious face sent a message straight to the heart past all the lies ED used to surround and hide emotions.  The message spoke loud and clear to the situation – “You have two kids looking to you as an example; you have a daughter needing a healthy role model!”  Depriving my body of nutrients, running from emotions, berating myself and flying off the handle at every situation was not an example these children needed.  I did not want my daughter to mimic or follow my footsteps.  ED needed to go NOW!  When my husband came home that evening I told him I wanted help: true help this time, not temporary.  He knew I was sick again, but did not know how to approach the matter (the whole reason I want to share my story). 

I had a long road ahead to get truly healthy.  It seemed impossible and scary.  How could I accomplish TRUE healing this time?  Something was missing from this whole recovery thing. 

Keep praying harder than the devil can work.