I struggle with trust. Disappointments layer my past. I placed faith IN the world. With each year passing, my confidence in people dwindled. The ones surrounding my life believed in the saying, “promises were made to be broken.” Too many times to count, I placed complete belief that others would come through and fulfill all my needs. I thought my heart would be overflowing with love because on the forefront they appeared so real and truthful. Promises of forever, kindness, generosity, support, forgiveness, acceptance, etc. seemed to diminish with each day spent in a relationship with a friend, significant other or role model.
According to Erikson’s first stage of development, trust vs. mistrust occurs from birth up to the first birthday. Basic trust lays the foundation from the very beginning. He believes the vital stage could make or break the trusting nature of a person. A child looks to their primary caregiver for stability and care in this newfound environment. Should the basic needs remain unmet or trusting experiences lack in a child’s life, mistrust develops. Hopeful results during this stage include faith and optimism. Faith in others helping through crisis or scary situations; optimism in the surrounding world. Developing mistrust results in fear. Fear appears throughout each relationship, diminishing the confidence held in the other person.
The stage ends at that. So, after your first birthday, no risk exists for trust to be broken or built? Erikson’s first stage occurred in my teen through late 20’s years. I am slow to process information and situations; so, I am not surprised that Erikson’s first stage occurred for me much later in life. My mother provided more love than this little girl could handle. She accepted me for who I was each day and gently guided me through right and wrong. No problems there. But, then, the world came at me and displayed the total opposite. Each relationship came on strong, fulfilling promises of love, concern and acceptance. . .when life was easy! I loved to please people, so that got me in and accepted. A ride always comes to an end, right? Relationships ended, people left and situations weighed heavily atop my shoulders. I remained exhausted and lost the real me with each relationship. Then, I found the one who would stick with me at all times as long as I followed the rules. . .Anorexia. What a friendship. It never left, built me up with each starving moment, smiled at each aching muscle and grew closer when life grew tough! It promised forever and love maximized as the size of clothing minimized. My faith in Anorexia solidified each time it helped me through a crisis or emotional experience. I did not have to feel those emotions, it carried them for me. I regained optimism in the surrounding world while walking hand in hand with Anorexia.
The relationship lasted too long. I lost control, became an eating disorder pleaser. My world revolved around whatever fed this friendship (no pun intended). All along, people left, rejection appeared and situations too heavy to bear occurred. Now, I wanted to leave, reject this friend and learn coping skills to bear any situation coming my way. I felt stuck in this stage of life. . .Then, I found the One who remains at all times! I fell at His feet in exhaustion. I finally saw the Hand which had been waiting there all along. I reached and He pulled me in. He had never left me. . .He knew my every being before birth. Every fiber ran through His loving, caring and kind fingers during formation in my mother’s womb. Although, I kept Him at a distance throughout life, He continued sending angels to plant seeds in my thoughts and heart. Those seeds were then watered by more angels and eventually grew to overpower the control Anorexia held. With each growth, one link broke. Looking back, I have many angels to thank for seeing me through without any acknowledgement at the time. I have faith that God encouraged them while completing His work. They planted the seed needed at that time in my life. My angels said yes even through rejection. My angels continued to help, pray and love even though the situation seemed too much to ‘fix’. Thank You God for my angels!
Through the newfound relationship with God, trust builds stronger each day, situations grow faith and He overfills my heart with love. I now realize (again slow to process) what forever, kindness, generosity, support, forgiveness and acceptance looks like. He comes through with every promise given. His Word rings true at all times. He is the One to place trust in now and forever. Doing so results in faith so strong it could move mountains and optimism knowing that He holds a special place just for me in Heaven.
This relationship waits for you too. Look, His Hand is right there. No more promises broken, no more pleasing others only to be disappointed, no more sacrificing who you are to fit in somewhere IN this world. . .no more, no more, no more! Seek Him, read His Word and allow each link to be broken of whatever chain suffocates your life. He created you. Your worth lay in Him and His grace will cover whatever your past reveals. You can never do anything that will make Him love you less and you can never do anything that will make Him love you more (awesome advice given to me from one of my most favorite angels in my life). . .He loves you (PERIOD). Run to Him, lay it all at the cross and begin building trust in the One Who will never leave nor forsakes you!
Keep praying harder than the devil can work.
Sheree Craig
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